To: J. McMahon
Regarding: Your Probationary Period Review as Part Time Concession Stand Attendant

Thank you for sitting with me today Ms. McMahon. Please keep your eyes forward and do not look at the mirror. Today we will be performing an employee value review to determine your eligibility for a permanent position with salary increase. While some consideration will be given to your merits, they will have little to do with this review. To be fair across the board and ensure that all employees are treated with equal opportunity we have standardized the employee review process. Please answer all questions thoroughly and leave no questions unchecked or we will have to automatically refuse any salary increase. To ensure that you understand these guidelines please nod your head. Thank you Ms. McMahon. Let’s begin.

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This Section For Supervisor Use Only
(Supervisor need only provide the employee’s name once on the standardized review.)

1. Does employee keep a tidy work area? (Be sure to check before answering.)
Yes ___ / No _X_
Explain: Ms. McMahon has continually carted around a backpack containing hardbound copies of works by Leroux and de Mendes around with her. She refuses to part with same. A cursory check discloses she even takes them with her on breaks so they won’t be stolen.

2. Is employee punctual?
Yes ___ / No _X_
Explain: Ms. McMahon is chronically here before her shift and often loiters passed her prescribed work schedule, making it difficult (but not impossible) for her supervisor to steal treats.

3. Is employee a Go-Getter?
Yes ___ / No _X_
Explain: Ms. McMahon rarely completes the fifteen hundred assignments given to her each shift and chronically comes in on her days off without compensation (breaking labor laws) to complete outlined tasks.

4. Is employee knowledgeable?
Yes ___ / No _X_
Explain: Ms. McMahon consistently demonstrates a lack of knowledge with requests for comprehensive “Employee Training” and an employee’s manual when she knows very well: that we are to busy haunting the facility, editing the codex that directs the befuddled managers, and chasing after Christine.

5. Is employee a team player?
Yes ___ / No _X_
Explain: Ms. McMahon chronically attempts to make other concession stand attendants look bad by completing her tasks ahead of others, thereby disrupting employee moral. Note: we currently have no other employees, but that’s beside the point; if we had them she’d finish first.

6. Is employee polite to customers and vendors?
Yes ___ / No _X_
Explain: Ms. McMahon badgers vendors every time a mis-filled or inappropriate delivery arrives, forcing customers to wait while she corrects the inventory, and gives free treats to every child under six, making parents feel bad that they don’t supply their young ones with enough sugar.

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This Section For Employee Participation
(Responding in this area will negate any potential raise or increase in perks.)

Please list all positive feedback which you would like to mention (Space deliberately minimized):

I feel you may have judged me too harshly, kind sir. I feel I have become an asset to this establishment. Just the very presence of my wandering in the lobby, doling out goodies, etc, etc, etc. should not be observed as any shortcomings on my part...but should be accepted as a little bit of fluff for the good of the theatre!!

NOTE:
Employee must complete following questionnaire. Leaving questions unanswered angers the boss who has no time to leave musical compositions to pursue responses. So, please select the letter that best applies.

1. Over the past month I have enjoyed my work and think my boss is handsome in his mask:
( A ) Every shift
( B ) Nearly every shift
( C ) Every shift for 3 out of 4 weeks
( D ) About every other shift

Comment: You know...once you've seen one mask, you've seen them all. And, every night it's the same thing. I think it's about time to put some action behind that mask!!!!

2. I think I should:
( A ) Work harder with less pay
( B ) Wait in Box Five for my boss
( C ) Pilfer concession stand supplies more often
( D) Smack Christine into some kind of positive acceptance

Comment: Actuallly, after all these years later and all these books....I would really, appreaciate the opportunity to smack that woman silly. (To smack or to hit) is a bit like knocking some sense into someone who really, truly needs to make a clean break away from what people will think of her no matter what she does. Heck, hooking up with that masked man years ago would have changed a lot of novels.

3. I need improvement with:
( A ) Telling Raoul where he can go
( B ) Teamwork with the disembodied voice
( C ) Hiding daggers and Punjab lassos beneath the counter
( D) Locating the Daroga

Comment: I need some serious cleaning up in the lobby. The maintenance workers you've hired around here could use improvement, and I've heard the Daroga is really good at cleaning up loose ends. (haha) Although, I have not personally seen him perform anything, but I understand people have been impressed.

4. In 5 years I see myself:
( A ) Sitting here doing the same thing for the same pay
( B ) Incarcerated in the Bastille
( C ) Shooting for my employer’s job by using underhanded means
( D ) Replacing the Daroga

Comment: Hey, listen, once you've found yourself a good gig, you should take advantage and hold on tight. That's exactly what I'm goin' to do. Jobs are hard to come by and I hear the employment rate is skyhrocketing.

5. My co-workers (should I ever get any) would describe me as:
( A ) Hot to trot
( B ) Sneaky and dishonest
( C ) An in-appropriate toucher
( D ) Knowledgeable about my employer’s needs

Comment: After sitting around this joint (theatre) all day ... you'd be hot to trot, too!

6. I am most likely to appear on:
( A ) Cops
( B ) America’s Most Wanted
( C ) The 6 o’clock news with my face blurred
( D ) The cover of one of de Mendes’ novels

Comment: After carefully going over the cover of the last novel .... I saw some creepy little pictures poking around here and there that were completely unexplainable. So, I thought possibly, maybe, I could be hiding behind one of the bushes on the cover of the next novel.

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Thank you Ms. M. for participating in this end of probationary employee review. Your standardized review will be submitted to the HR department and your answers reviewed. Assuming that your review is generally positive you can expect to receive your raise within a never to be disclosed matter of weeks. However, if your review indicates that you are found wanting, we will sit down with you again and determine the best course of action to right any shortcomings. If you do find yourself falling into the secondary category you will have the right to counseling from: Madame Giry, the Daroga, or César the white horse from the Profeta. Please sign below to indicate that you agree to these terms and would like any prospective raise safety pinned in an envelope to the inside of your work apron.

Your ever-obedient servant and underground wraith in the dead head mask,
O.G.

I, now sign my signature and hope that only positive occurences continue in my future.
Thank you, for your time and consideration

Employee signature: Jo-ann M. McMahaon

ps: I also find that my supervisor knows how to use the word 'no' quite a bit, perhaps a little more positive attitutde could help you and your future employees!!