Memo # 2
To be viewed by area supervisors only!
by Steven Pentecost
To: All Official
Department Heads at the Paris Opera House
From: Your new managers Armand Moncharmin and Firman Richard
Subject: Proposed Changes to Employee Retirement and Health Issue Policies
Attention Department Heads:
economy in the state that it is, the company will need to re-evaluate our current
health and retirement policies. We are proposing the following changes pending
French government approval. If implemented, these changes would drastically
reduce our overhead costs and substantially increase our profit margins. (Note:
Anyone mentioning one damn word about this memo to that freak in the fifth cellar
will incur immediate dismissal!)
1. We are currently matching dollar for dollar our employees’ contributions to their 401k plans. This new proposal would do away with all this matching business. Instead, we would charge each employee with 401k assets a handling fee. The meager cost of ten francs per pay period should cover us.
2. We are currently retaining senior employees until they reach retirement age, celebrating their departures from the work force with frivolous expenditures on parties, and even granting rent-free apartments to those with “no where else to go” on the theater’s upper floors! With new proposal # 2 we would "encourage" the senior (over paid, over compensated) employees to actually depart early and charge them a processing fee for whatever messes they leave in their work or housing areas, i.e. emptying their trash cans and waste pots. (See page 2 of previous memo regarding, "Doing away with janitorial services and security personnel on all levels".)
3. We are currently providing lavish hand soaps and hand soap dispenser units in an effort to ward off health issues within our company. Under this next new proposal we will do away with this and "recommend" employees bring their own sanitizing products. This will not be required of the senior employees and those previously mentioned aged housed up on the upper floors. (See item #2 of this memo.)
4. We are currently contributing 50/50 to the health plans of our full time employees. With this new proposal we will cut all regular employees to 39 hours per week, keeping them below the full time threshold. We will also require they show up to work one hour early. This will in effect benefit the company with (5) five hours of free labor per week and do away with health cost expenditures. (While still legitimately being able to claim we offer healthcare.)
5. Guaranteeing the health of the newcomers to our company will be imperative should item # 2 come to pass. Today's young people live fast and hard in regards to their diets. As an amendment to item # 2 a proposition for consideration would be to require those below the age of 45 to have a salary deduction that pays for a daily nutritious meal that would be provided by the company’s kitchen. For a mere (25) twenty-five francs per employee per week, we can guarantee they receive the nutrition they need and rid ourselves of the odious snacking on wild onions and cloves of garlic we’ve come across since obtaining our managerial positions. (All the while increasing our profit margin as well.)
6. We currently offer wine, loaves of bread, and hard cheese in the employee break rooms. Here in lies another opportunity for profitability. By removing free food we would shore up any temptation to live unhealthy as well as support item # 5. If we replace all liquids with water drawn daily from our own underground lake, we can further assure 100% participation in item # 5. Starting as soon as is feasible, we will discontinue all outside supplies of water. All drinking water, water fountains, and bathing/cleaning liquid will come from our own internal sources on the premises. This should prove to be a profitable change. (Besides, we’ve had quite enough of this chlorinated-fluoridated nonsense!)
7. We currently offer free coffee as a perk to our employees. Caffeine is known to cause increased heart rates in individuals and should be addressed as a health concern for our employees. Under the new proposal we would remove access by those 45 years or under (tangent to the approval of items 5 & 6). For seniors (those 45 or older) we can offer limited access to the double-caffeinated pot for a nominal few francs. (Tangent to item # 2 of course.)
This concludes our second memo addressing proposals.
We also have three other items currently under review and will subsequently address them:
1. The use of the employees’ workspace: We are looking into the possibility of charging employees to occupy their work areas. This is based on the fact that they are using our space to profit themselves off our payroll.
2. Continued problems with flickering lights and trapdoors opening needlessly: Our engineers are actively assessing each occurrence.
3. The ongoing refusal of ticket vendors to rent out Box # 5: We ourselves will be occupying these seats tonight, in the hope of putting to rest all the company’s unnecessary qualms.
Monsieur Pentecost shows us once again that he is the
master of humor!