A Field Guide to the Ultimate Bad Day
by Steven Pentecost

To begin any bad day properly, it is very important that you wake up no earlier than one hour late so as to guarantee late arrival at your place of employment. This will cover those of you unfortunate enough to be working at home for your ultimate bad day. The next logical step in your ultimate bad day is to realize that the reason your alarm was not set is because you had fallen asleep while waiting for your clothes to finish washing. You had intended on throwing them in the dryer prior to going to bed, but there they sit sopping wet with no other outfits to wear. You can now expect to be at least 1½ hours late for work. That is of course if you waste energy by drying only one of those outfits. If you dry the whole load count on it being 2 hours late. So far your ultimate bad day is moving along nicely. Now that you are dressed in your still damp clothes, you realize that your 2 year old has grown by leaps and bounds. You know this because he is now tall enough to reach the key ring on which you hang your car keys. Oh what fun you are having by now. After a fevered search for your keys and ultimately finding them in the refrigerator (which has been left cracked open since last nigh) you are finally ready and will only be 2½ hours late.

To continue on with your ultimate bad day we go to your front door to head out. As you open your door you feel a brush against your leg. That feeling is your over-priced pure breed dog escaping and heading down the road. What’s that? Why, the little marauder is heading directly to that neighbors yard. The one whose larger dog has a bad reputation in your neighborhood! To continue the fun, it has just decided to start raining as you’re running after it down the road in your good shoes. Well, being as agile as you are first thing in the morning, you manage to catch the little tike before he reached that burly dog. Things are looking up, but wait…that doesn’t happen on an ultimate bad day. No, on the ultimate bad day a car comes along and splashes you with the singular puddle of water on the street. You, meaning you, your previously unwashed pooch, and that one set of clothes you had dried. Once you have dried another outfit and secured the pooch you are only running 3½ hours late.

Now it is a given that during the ultimate bad day you will catch every red light heading into work which will automatically bump you up to 4 hours late. Of course with all the heavy rain (you fondly remember having to chase the pooch in it), you'll naturally be caught in slow moving traffic. Combine that with the wreck the radio mockingly just mentioned, and you can tack on an extra hour. You are now expecting to be a minimum of 5 hours late, but that will at least provide enough time to smooth things over at the office right? WRONG. This is the ultimate bad day. A no holds barred day of misfortune that the boss will never EVER believe.

So you finally make your way to the exit you need, and what happens? With all that nice dark rain it is easy for that officer to see you have a tail-light out. You think that not putting up a fuss with the officer will get you through the process quickly do you? (Deep Belly Laugh.) Your attempt to be agreeable with the officer is of course viewed as being quite suspicious by the policeman. When his dyslexia kicks in and he finally manages to put your car tags into the computer…of course they come back as stolen. After many objections you finally convince him to re-run the number. It’s a good thing, too. That officer was about to charge you with resisting arrest, which would have been beyond the scope of this field guide.

Once you part ways with the gentleman who is charged with protecting and mostly serving you, you are now 6 hours late and one traffic citation poorer. You are finally on your way once more and will be seeing the lights of your office within the next mile when you begin hearing and feeling that old familiar thump. Yes, you have yourself a flat. You most likely picked up a nail from where you were pulled over a few minutes earlier. No, I know what you are thinking and you do not have AAA. Besides, even if you did you left your cell phone on the kitchen counter, remember?

Having never changed your own tire or really worked a tire iron, you can count on this adventure eating up your remaining time. As you pull into the parking lot you feel your luck begin to change, as there is ample parking available. Your meager flash of relief fades as you realize that it’s not only ample, but the lot is empty.

Then, and only then, do you realize that due to a shift in company policy you are now enjoying the benefit of having Good Friday off. Thus ends your ultimate bad day...well...it will be over once you run out of gas on the way home. Of course, why not?

READER COMMENTS

I would need two aspirins and a good stiff drink after this one.
Etienne