The Career Coach

by Steven Pentecost

It begins.
(A tiny office at the base of the stairs, underground cellar # 5 of the Paris Opera House.)

The Daroga: We look forward to working with you here at the Concession Stand of Le Petite Theater, Miss Freda.

Freda: Well, I am looking forward to working here, Sir. It’s a dreary morning and I’ve nowhere else to be.

The Daroga: I’ll leave you with your job trainer now. (He looks to the ceiling.) Mr. Woo, meet Freda. Freda meet Mr. Woo. (He sighs at the absence of a response, then shrugs.) I will let you two get acquainted. (Exit the Daroga.)

Freda: Thank you again, Sir. (Freda turns her head, first one way, then the other. A 360-degree span shows no one is there. She looks to the section of ceiling previously addressed by the Daroga.)

Disembodied Voice: You tawk too much. We begin yoo twaining now.

Freda: My apologies, Mr. Woo. I'm a little nervous with it being my first day here.

Disembodied Voice: I sed yoo tawk too much, but you keep tawken. Yoo on Phantom-Woo's bad side now, Freedony-Son.

Freda: (Her neck is starting to hurt.) Umm, my name is Freda.

Disembodied Voice: Oh, I see. Now...yoo tie to tell Phantom-Woo he don’t know yoo name. I know yoo look like wiseass when I see yoo. Now yoo ass expos’d.

Freda: But...but Mr. Woo, Sir, I... I…

Disembodied Voice: Deh yoo go tawkin up uh-gin!

Freda (thinks to herself): Wow, he is tough...I hope he isn't my permanent boss. The Daroga was so much nicer.

Disembodied Voice: Why yoo steah at Phantom-Woo fo? Yoo tinkin bad thotts about Phantom-Woo? Yoo pay fo dat Freedony-Son!

Freda: How did…why do you tink...I mean, why do you think that, Sir?

Disembodied Voice: Yoo axe too many questions and yoo tawk too much. Yoo sit heaw too wong. Go ansuuh fone, axept deliveries, dus’ grass cabinette!

Freda (Looks around. A wall in the office has moved and she can now see a cavern with a very dusty, makeshift lobby. A door pressed into an alcove is clearly marked DELIVERIES.): But what do I say to the callers? Won’t delivery people ask me to sign something? What name do I sign? I haven't received any training!

Disembodied Voice: Yoo yell at Phantom-Woo now? Yoo vely uh wise ass, so yoo figuh it owt. Chop chop. Get on it.

(Later that morning the new employee is in the lobby and doing amazingly well without training.)

Freda: Thank you for calling Le Petite Theater. Have a wonderful day. (She hangs up a rather archaic looking phone.)

Disembodied Voice (which now seems to be echoing out of the rock itself.) What wus dat?

Freda: What was what, Sir?

Disembodied Voice: Yoo jawin on fone...goin on an on about nice day. Yoo say guhh bye an hangup, dat it.

Freda (whining): But you didn't train me on what to say when we spoke earlier!

Disembodied Voice: Oh, now you brame Phantom-Woo fo yoo tawkin too much? No aftah-noon bat-woom bake fo yoo.

Freda: I don’t think that’s legal, Sir.

Disembodied Voice: Yoo on tin ice, Freedony-Son! I got eye on yoo!

Freda: What eye? Where?! Come face me!

(Sometime in the early afternoon, coming off a lunch break.)

Disembodied Voice: Wat dis?

Freda: I’m coming off lunch, Sir, and was just putting away my book: "The Tale of the Bloodline".

Disembodied Voice: Oh, dat good book, but yoo not suppose to weed at wok. I white yoo up fo dat!

Freda (getting bolder): Sir! I was on my break and I do not see what it hurts for me to read on my own time!

Disembodied Voice: Dat second time yoo yell at Phantom-Woo. I go to supah visah Da’oga now. He fiah yoo fo shoo!

Freda: We'll see about that! Where is the Daroga? I bet he’s back in that little office over there.

(Sitting across from a stoic Daroga.)

Freda (clutching a handkerchief to catch a rise of blossoming tears.) And that’s why I cannot train under him! He’s boorish and bossy. For Pete’s sake, he doesn’t even have a body!

Phantom-Woo (coming up directly behind Freda’s chair): Yoo see? She tawk too much and she yell too much.

Freda (eyes bulging, frozen in fear, opens her mouth but nothing comes out):

Daroga: Yoo white, she no good fo company. Good job agin, Phantom-Woo. Yoo Fiah Freedony-Son!!! Oh, fo-got to tell yoo, no wah out of un-dah-gown’d caves. Go dust grass cabinette again.

De Enn of Day One!!

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