Fiona's Trip To The Renaissance Fair

By Steven Pentecost

It all began innocently enough. Fiona wanted to have a special evening of movies and family time. Slowly browsing her extensive collection of movies she finally settled on one of her favorites. Hmm, “Lord of the Rings” is always a good flick, she thought. With that decision, her fate and those of many innocent bystanders were sealed. As she sat watching the movie, thoroughly enjoying herself, an idea began to form in her mind. How much fun would it be to go to the Renaissance Fair? Not just go but participate too!

The following day she contacted Leslie about procuring some discount tickets to the festival. When she first asked there was silence on the other end of the phone. Leslie had a bead of sweat forming on her brow just above the eye that suddenly began twitching a bit. In as calm a voice as she could muster, Leslie asked Fiona if she in fact realized that the Renaissance Fair was an outdoors event and in the country. This information gave Fiona pause. Up to this point she had not considered locality. Just when she was about to back out, she looked over at her coffee table and spotted the letter opener she had been swinging about during the battle scenes of the movie. She had a quick shot of adrenaline and received just enough courage to press on with her request for the tickets. Reluctantly Leslie conceded to acquiring the tickets.

With much anticipation the day of the fair came and Fiona (having watched the movies back to back to maintain her resolve) was finally ready. She’d spent much of her week fashioning herself some chain mail with paperclips from the company stock room. Her evenings were spent creating a papier-mache helmet, and to bring her outfit all together she’d made herself a cloak using a towel from the bathroom. The only thing lacking was to fashion a sheath for her epic weapon (the letter opener). She’d nicknamed it Stabby since all the other cool names were already taken.

Once she finished and was in full garb, she sheathed Stabby and made for the car. Facing uncertainty as she pulled out of her comfortable suburb, she centered her mind on this being an epic adventure. To reach the mystical land of the Ren Fair she would have to overcome enormous obstacles. Besting the tractor people who hail from the Land of Farm. Navigating a path that would try and mislead, throwing her off. Turning left on the road only to have to veer right again in less than a quarter mile, she ultimately rode past these hindrances and arrived somewhat tattered.

As Fiona exited her chariot she stood triumphant! Surveying the Ren Fair, she raised Stabby into the air and proclaimed she was officially present and ready for whatever came her way. Before she could fully re-sheath Stabby, a cricket sounded off and sent Fiona running for the gate.

Gasping and pale from the sprint, Fiona communicated through a few wide eyed nods of her head that she had pre-purchased tickets and slammed them down on the counter. Once she caught her breath she began walking toward the entrance with chin held high, surveying those who had not bothered to come dressed for the event.

They’re so jealous of me, she mused. Soon she was browsing the vendors and looking about at the array of shows occurring. She made her way out to the jousting field just in time to see a demonstration of falconry. Sadly-so, I should say. She had not arrived in time to hear the trainers tell people to put away their food before they released the birds. When she saw the aerial acrobatics she cheered along with the others raising her turkey leg into the air. Before she could blink she was waging battle over the turkey leg with a bird and receiving a myriad of boos from the crowd when she wielded the mighty Stabby to save her turkey leg. With her cloak blowing in the wind and her helmet jostling about…she quickly fled the mob.

When she stopped and began looking about, she noticed a creature. She kept her distance, but the creature kept starring at her. The ‘Thing’ had wings that fluttered in the breeze, and it was covered in sparkles with pointed ears. The strange creature began walking toward her, asking for help. Fiona was not going to have any part of conversation as she knew not what terrible trickery this was. She was only saved when another passerby offered to help the little girl find her Mom and complimented her on her costume and makeup.

As Fiona realized what folly she’d seen, she chuckled at herself through still heavy breathing. Wanting to rest a bit before she began looking around again, she leaned against a tree. Pulling out the mighty Stabby, she began cleaning her fingernails. She felt a strange sensation on the back of her neck and reached around to flick away the imposing object. When she brought her hand back, there…on her hand was a Wolf Spider. A shriek was heard throughout the woods, accompanied by some ear-splitting yelling as she started running through displays, toppling people, making for the exit. Soon foot patrol officers were chasing the subject carrying the weapon, but they were losing ground quickly.

She burst out of the woods running for her car, throwing her helmet and cloak to the side. She reached her vehicle and began fumbling frantically for keys. Once inside the driver’s seat, she started the engine and looked up to see a grasshopper on her windshield. She had her arm out the window, stabbing at it as she spun gravel exiting the parking lot.

For those who may be curious, to my knowledge the police never did catch up with Fiona. I have also heard that she is once again watching “Lord of the Rings” and been seen pilfering paperclips. I too am concerned about her intentions. According to Leslie she has once again inquired about Renaissance Fair tickets. Lord, help them.

The End

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